When Disappointment Creates (and when it doesn't)

I lost a job last week.


  Well, I never actually had the job.

  My dream company interviewed me—flew me out to their headquarters to interview me—and then they said no.

  It felt like I'd gotten the wind crushed out of me, like I'd been free falling through a cloudless sky, certain my parachute would open just above the soft, sunny valley and float me onto cool, waving grass.

  Instead, I just kept falling. And every well-meaning person in my life told me, "it's alright" or "it's still an accomplishment" or "something else will come along," and I am lying flat on my back in the rough, parched grass, sweating in the too-hot sun, thinking, "but I hurt right now."

  And I know I am supposed to do something with this disappointment, this hurt. This is the moment when disappointment is meant to create something beautiful, something better than before.

  But what if disappointment doesn't create? What if loss is just that? What if I never lost anything because I never had it to begin with?